You Suck: A Love Story Chapter 11~13

Chapter Eleven indeed, When They Woke UpOh my God, that stuff can cellphoneed me completely orangish.Not completely.I look deal the Great Pumpkin.Good grief, Tommy, you do non.Chapter TwelveBlood, Coffee, Sex, Magix Not necessarily in That OrderJust after sundown.They enchanted the coffee dripping issue(a) of the filter like they were di unagitateding nitroglycerine and the slightest bit of inat ten dollar billtion tycoon cause an explosion. It smells really good, Jody said.Its like I never call attentiond it before, Tommy said.Youd think it would smell sickening, since its indigestible, Jody said. The blend time shed thinkn a sip of coffee, her vampire system had rejected it so violently that she ended up convulsively dry-heaving on the floor, feeling like forks were twisting inside of her.This might work, Tommy said. You ready?Ready.He pou rosy a tablespoonful or so of coffee into a gl tail assembly cup. Then he uncapped one of the sy peales that held Williams blood and squirted a few drops into the coffee.You first-class honours degree, he said, swishing the cup nearly in front of her.No, you, Jody said. As good as the coffee smelled, the memory of her illness held her back.Tommy shrugged and threw the coffee back like a tequila shooter, then set the cup down on the counter.Jody stepped back and snatched a tea towel off the electric refrigerator handle in preparation for the coffees return trip. Tommy rolled his eyes, shuddered, then grabbed his throat and fell to the floor, twitching and choking. Dying, he croaked. Suffering and dying.Jody was deprivefoot and didnt indispensability to stub her toe, so she pulled the kick to his ribs. You suck, you know that.Tommy rolled on the floor giggling, curling himself around her foot. It works It works It works He sort of dog-humped her leg in beatnik and tugged at the hem of her robe. You never fork up to be grumpy againJody grinned. Pour cups, grommet Full cups.Tommy climbed to his feet. We dont even know the blood-to-coffee ratio yet.Pour Jody was in the fridge in an instant, grabbing near other syringe. Well wing it.The she listd the downstairs door open and spun on her heel. William?Tommy listened to the footfalls coming up the steps and shook his strait. Nope, too light.They could peck the key fitting into the lock. You said you didnt give her a key, Jody said.I said I didnt give her a key to the bedroom, Tommy said.Lord ingurgitate, theres a stinky cold guy with a huge cat on your landing, said Abby Normal as she came through the door.THE CHRONICLES OF ABBY NORMAL Dedicated Servant of the Vampyre binge I have been to the lair of the vampyre Flood. I am part of the coven Kinda. sanction, back up. So I like slept till eleven, because were on Christmas break, only its called winter break now because rescuer is AN OPPRESSIVE ZOMBIE BASTARD AND WE DO NOT BOW DOWN TO HIS BIRTHDAY At to the lowest degree not at Allen Ginsberg High School, we dont. (Go, Fighting be at generation) But its all good, cause Im passing to have to hire used to bulge outting up later if Im going to be a creature of the night.So, like first thing, I handsomee some toast, and it burned, as barren as my soul, and I was so bummed that my tears of despair fell like cold bits of crystal, to be sunk on the unforgiving rocks of this miserable life. But then I saw that Mom had left a twenty proscribed on the counter with a noteAllison (Allison is my day-slave name my mom named me after some song by some Elvis guy, so I totally refuse to accept it), heres your lunch money, and please stop at Wal viriditys and pick up some RID shampoo for Ronnies head lice. (Veronica is my sister, who is twelve and a total tumor on the ass of my existence.)So, I was like, Sweet StarbucksIt took forever to pick what I was going to wear, and not just because Id never rented an apartment before. The lightbulb burned out in my wardrobe and we didnt have any extras, so I had to take anyt hing out in the living room to look at it in the light. Like the song says, I wear black on the outside to reflect the black I feel on the inside, except OMG, its impossible to tell one thing from another(prenominal) in a dark closet. Since it was going to be a business thing, I decided on my striped tights with my red PVC mini, my skull-and-cross rig outs hoodie, and my burnt lime Converse All Stars. I went with just a plain stud in my nose, a barbell in my eyebrow, and a simple silver ring in my lip understated and elegant. I carried my hot-pink biohazard messenger bag.Ronnie was all, I wanna come with you, I wanna come with you, only if I pointed out that she was a scourge on military personnelity and that if she came a ample I would tell everyone on the bus she had lice, so she elected to stay home and watch toons. It was then that I ventured into the undiscovered country, and called the round that the vampyre Flood had given me.And the woman was totally a bitch.She was lik e, Hello. Blah Blah Property Management.And I was like, I take aim to rent an apartment.And she was all, How many bedrooms and did you have an part in mind?And I was all, Whats with all the questions, bitch? Are you some tolerant of sentiment police or something?And she was like, Im just attempt to help.Right, help. Like tuberculosis.So shes all, I beg your pardon, like the queen of freakin France or something.And then I remembered that I was supposed to ask for a specific person, so I was like, Oh, I consider to speak to Alicia DeVries, Is she there?And the bitch connected me.So it turns out that Alicia DeVries is this crusty hippie who is like as old as my grandma, ex tourly wants to be all Earth Mother and everything, which Im not against, because old hippies have the best pot and theyll just give it to you if you pretend not to notice that theyre crusty and old. So Alicia picks me up in her crust-mobile rainbow peace-and-love Jeep CJ and I give her the requirements of the vampyre Flood, which were bedroom with no windows, a washer and dryer, private entrance with lockout, and, at least above the ground floor, windows looking down on the street.And shes all, We have to have a Social Security number and drivers license number for the paperwork you have to be eighteen.So Im, My client will provide all the information you need, its just that hes very busy and cant deal with pissant details during the day. Then I waved the cash that Flood gave me and she went all spacey, overmeditated, namaste on me, like its not nearly the money when its really near the money. Then she takes me to this loft, which it turns out is only like a half a block from the address where Flood said to run into him at sundown. SweetSo Im all, Excellent, the master will be pleased.And shes like, Ill make you out a receipt.Then she starts to lecture me about respecting myself as a woman, and not allowing myself to be subjugated to the desires of an older man and shit like Im thi s corporate fuck-puppet for some creepy businessman or something. I didnt want her to get suspicious and try to rescue me, so Im like, No, you misunderstand, I call him the master because hes the sensei of my jujitsu dojo hes not boning me or anything. as luck would have it I have an extensive martial-arts background from watching anime with Jared and I knew that one must never bone the sensei.So she like reaches over and pats my knee. All, Thats okay, sweetheart.And Im like, tempo off, rug-muncher I mean, Im as bi as the next person, but not with some crusty old hippie I need music and some X, and then only if some guy has rejected me and thrown my heart into the gutter like an abandoned vegetarian burrito and even then I draw the office at making out.So she gave me the keys and took my money and just, like, left me there. So I called Lily, who came over with a two-liter of Diet Green Tea, a bag of Cheese Newts (I still hadnt had breakfast), and some book she put in called The Big Book of Death. So we looked at the book, which is this how-to thing with great art, and drank tea and ate Cheese Newts until she had to go to work. I precious to tell her about the vampyre Flood, but I promised that I would keep his secret, so all I told her was that I had discovered my Dark Lord, and he would soon execute my every desire and I couldnt tell her anything else. So she was all, whatever, ho, which is what I like about her Lily is trs noir.So I walked over to the Sony Metreon and watched the flat-screens until it started to get dark. I was already about ready to pee with nervousness when I got to Floods door, but then, just as I get my key in the door, this big Hummer limo pulls up, and these ternary college-age guys climb out followed by this blue woman in a silver dress with ginormous fake boobs. And theyre all, Where is Flood? We need to come on Flood? And shes all, Where did you get the key? You need to let us in before it gets dark.Im not intimidated b ecause I know that her boobs are fake. And its so obvious that they hunt the nosferatu that its not even funny. Inside, I was like Ha, suck my spiky rubber strap-on, vampyre hunterBut on the outside I was totally chill. And Im like, I dont know who youre talk about. This is my apartment. Then I opened the door and inside, lying on the landing, theres this dead guy with a huge bald cat in a red sweater on his chest. And the cat hissed at me and I screamed just a little bit and slammed the door. You have to go, I said. My boyfriend is naked and he gets mad if strangers see his enormous unit. I looked right at the blue bitch when I said that, like Oh yeah, some of us are confident full in our own femininity that we dont need fake tits to get a guy with a huge unit.And the black guy is like, I just talked to Flood here last night.And I was like, Yeah, he moved.Then the Asian guy checked his watch and was like, Dude, too late, its officially sunset.And it was like it was on cue or some thing, the cat on the dead guy let out a long scary yowl, and even the blue skank support away toward the limo.Youd break down go now, I said, all ominous and full of foreboding and dread.And she was all, Well be back.And I was like, So?So they went. But then I had to get retiring(a) the cat and the dead guy and go up the steps. I have to say, that as much as Im all about the peace of the grave and the divine gloomth of the nonliving and all, its different when theres a real dead guy you have to walk over, not to mention a really big, angry cat in a sweater.NOTE TO SELF Always carry Kitty Treats for Self-Defense (because evidently they dont like Skittles, which I tried).Since I didnt have any kitty treats, I got by the preternaturally big-ass cat by opening the door wide and yelling, Hey, kitty, go away Much to my amazement, the cat ran out of the doorway and hid under a parked car. It was like I already had vampyre powers to command the Children of the Night. Then I had to get past the dead guy on the landing, which was sort of like dead-guy hopscotch, but I got up the stairs and managed only to step on one of his arms. I was hoping he really was dead, and not one of the nosferatu, because then he might be pissed off when he rose. He certainly smelled dead, the fetid stench of the charnel house emanated from him like a foul miasma of evil, as they say in the books.So I opened the door, and I go, Lord Flood, theres a stinky dead guy with a huge cat on your landing. Thinking that I would get total loyal-servant brownies.Then I saw her, the ancient vampyre mistress her skin like alabaster, or you know, no zits at all, and she seemed to glistering with inner power. I could see why even a powerful vampyre like Flood might be helpless under her awesome strengths, poised over the ages by sucking the lifeblood of thousands of helpless victims, probably kids. And she was like, drinking a cup of coffee out of a Garfield mug, as if flaunting her immortality in th e face of us petty, insignificant mortals. She had on only a bathrobe, which was partly open in front, so you could see that she had like great cleavage, ancient total skank that she was.So Im like, Hi.And shes like, So, Wednesday, you know Buffys not a real person, right?Bitch.What do you mean, dead? Tommy said. He ran to the door and flung it open. Hes not here. He bolted down the steps in his bare feet, leaving Jody standing across the breakfast bar from Abby. Im going to look for him, Tommy called. The downstairs door closed, the lock clicked.Jody pulled her robe closed when she saw Abby Normal staring. She could hear the missys heart pounding, could see her pulse beating in her neck, could smell nervous sweat, clove cigarettes, and some kind of cheese snack.They stared at each other.I found you an apartment, Mistress, Abby said. She dug into the pocket of her hoodie and came out with a rent receipt.Call me Jody, Jody said.Abby nodded conspiratorially, like she was acknowledgin g it was only a code name. She was a cute kid, in a scary, will-probably-poison-the-dog-and-then-molest-him kind of way. Jody had never really had a problem with younger women as competition. After all, she was only twenty-six, and with the extreme antiaging treatment shed gained from her vampirism, right down to her baby toes straightening out and every freckle shed ever had disappearing, she felt superior, even a tad maternal toward Abby, who was a little knock-kneed in her red plastic skirt and green sneakers.Im Abby, Abby said, and she curtsied.Jody choked, sprayed coffee out her nose, and turned quickly so as not to laugh in Abbys face.Are you okay, Mistress I mean, Jody?No, Im fine. It was strange just how sensitive the vampire sinus is to hot liquids. Jody was sure that she might never smell anything but bloody French roast again, and her eyes were watering, or so she thought, but when she turned back around, Abby jumped back six feet and yelped.Holy shit Abby had backed aga inst the futon frame and was about to tumble over backwards.Jody was around the breakfast bar, steadying the girl in less than a tenth of a second which caused Abby to jump straight into the air about three feet.Jody could tell the girl was going to fall. Abby was going to come down with one foot on the back of the futon frame, one in midair, and she was going to tumble over and land on her shoulder and head on the hardwood floor. Jody saw this coming, could have caught Abby and set her gently on her feet, but instead, she felt that maternal instinct kick in the realization that if the child didnt take a knock or two, shed never learn so Jody stepped back into the kitchen, where she picked up her coffee and watched as the kid hit.Ouch Said Abby, now a black-and-red cumulation on the floor.Boy, that looked like it hurt, Jody said.Abby was on her feet, limping and rubbing her head. What the fuck, Countess? I thought you had my back.Yeah, sorry, Jody said. Why the freak-out?Theres blood running down your face. I calculate it startled me.Jody dabbed at her eyes with the sleeve of her robe, leaving little red spots on the white terry cloth. Well, would you look at that? She was trying to be casual, trying to act like someone four or five hundred geezerhood old might behave, but the blood tears were disturbing her more than a little.Change the subject. So, this apartment you found, where is it?Dont you want to wait for Flood? Abby asked.Flood? What Flood?Flood, the orange-colored vampire who just ran out the door.Oh, him, Jody said. Tommy and his tanning lotion. He was out running around on the street with no shirt or shoes. Orange. Was he orange?Abby threw out her nearly nonexistent hip. Hello? Youre crying blood and your partner is orange and you didnt notice? Do you guys get senile over the days or what?Jody set her cup down on the counter, just to make sure that it didnt destroy in her hand. She drew on her experience working in the claims department at Transamerica, where her immediate supervisor was a complete ass-bag, and it took everything she could do, every minute of the day, not to bang the womans skull repeatedly in a filing drawer. She liked to think of it as her professional face. So instead of snapping Abbys pale little neck, she smiled, counting to ten as she did. At ten, she said, Go get him. Bring him back. Another smile. Okay, sweetie?But why is he orange?The shedding is upon him, Jody said. Every hundred years or so, we shed our skin, and a few weeks prior we turn orange. Its a very dangerous time for us. So please, go find him.Abby nodded furiously and backed away toward the door. Really?Really, Jody said, nodding gravely. Quick, away with you, the time of the shedding is upon him. She waved toward the door the way she thought a five-hundred-year-old countess might. (Where did the countess thing come from, anyway?)Right, Abby said, and she took off out the loft door and down the steps after Tommy.Jody went to the b athroom and used a damp washcloth to wash the blood tears off her face. I may actually be evil, she thought. She knew it should bother her more, being evil and all, but after she put on a little mascara and some lipstick and poured herself another cup of blood-laced coffee, she found that she was okay with it.Chapter ThirteenMoving DayJody sipped her coffee and sighed, satisfied, like shed just had a gentle coffee orgasm, the sort of pleasurable kindling you only see great deal have in commercials for froufrou coffee and hemorrhoid cream. This blood-beverage phenomenon added a whole new twist to their lives. A glass of wine? A diet cola maybe wait, screw diet a sugary, teeth-rotting cola. What about solid food? Sure, being a godlike creature of the night was great, but what about a jelly donut? French fries? She was Irish, she felt a deep-seated need for potatoes. She was musing on the idea of heading up to McDonalds on Market Street and spooging a syringe full of Williams blood all over a supersized box of deep-fried nirvana when the phone rang. The caller ID number was blocked, it just said mobile. It might be Tommy. Hed activated the disposable mobile phones theyd bought, but he probably hadnt written down the numbers.Hey, pumpkin, Jody said.She heard a clattering at the other end of the line. Sorry, I dropped the phone.Oops. Not Tommy. Who is this?Uh, its, uh, its Steve. Im the med student who called you about your condition.Hed found her when shed gone to a Blood Drinkers Anonymous meeting in japan Town, which turned out to be a bunch of nerds with problems distinguishing fantasy from reality. Had watched her from a distance and called her on a pay phone from blocks away, ready to jump in his car and bolt if she came near him. He knew what she was.Hed said that he had examined one of the bodies left by the old vampire. Elijah had snapped their necks so the bodies would be found, instead of turning to dust.What do you want?Well, like I said, Im a med student at Berkeley. Actually, Im in research. Gene therapy.Yeah, next lie, please. Jodys mind was going ninety miles and hour. Too many people knew about her. Maybe she and Tommy should have left town.What lie? Steve asked.Berkeley doesnt have a med school, Jody said. So what do you want?I dont want anything. Ive been trying to tell you, Ive canvas the blood of the victims. I think I may be able to reverse your condition. Turn you back. I just need some time in the lab with your blood.Bullshit, Steve. This isnt biology.Yes it is. I told your boyfriend the night you turned him.How did you know?I was on the phone with him when you told him you were going to be together for a very long time.Well, that was rude, just listening like that.Sorry. Ive managed to get cloned cells from the throats of victims to revert to their natural human state.Which is dead, Jody said.No, living cells. I just need to meet with you.Hed pressed this before, and Jody had been willing to meet with him, but u nfortunately, while she was sleeping, Tommy had put her in the freezer for a few days and shed missed the appointment. No meeting, Steve. Forget you know anything about this. Youll have to drop a line your dissertation on something else.Well, take my number if you change your mind, okay?He gave her the number and Jody wrote it down.Its a burner cell phone, Steve said, So you cant find me through it.I dont want to find you, Steve.I promise I wont reveal your your condition to anyone, so you dont need to find me.Dont worry, Jody said. I dont want to find you. Get over yourself, she precious to add.What about the other one you warned me about?Jody looked at the bronze statue that held Elijah Ben Sapir. He wont bother you either.Oh, good.Steve?Yeah?If you tell anyone, Ill find you, and Ill slowly snap every bone in your body before I kill you. Jody tried to make it sound cheerful, but the threat sort of cut through the bright, friendly pronounce in her voice.Okay then. Bye.Yeah, Jody said. You take care.The shedding? Tommy said as he came through the door. Jody stood at the counter in her new red leather jacket, boots, and mist-tight black jeans.Jody could hear Abby locking the downstairs door, so they had a few seconds alone.Look, did you want me to tell her you were just a big orange doofus?I guess not. Hey She calls you Flood?I couldnt tell her Tommy. Im her dark lord. Your dark lord cant be named Tommy. Flood has an air of power.And dampness.Yeah, its got the dampness thing going for it, too.Abby came in, breathing hard. Shed been sweating and her eyeliner was running in two black streaks down her cheeks. We didnt find him. I could have sworn he was dead. He smelled like it.You got something against dead people? Jody said tough-guy voice. Are you aspect theres something wrong with dead people? Is that what youre saying? Are you saying youre too good for the dead, is that what youre saying?Abby stepped behind Tommy and peeked around. The kid was still out of breath from trying to keep up with Tommy, and now she was frightened, too. No, Mistress, I think the nonliving are great. Im all about dead people. I have a I shag the Dead T-shirt even. I can wear it tomorrow if you want. I didnt meanIts okay, Abby, Jody said, waving it off. Just fucking with you.Jody Tommy said, scolding. Dont scare the minion.Sorry, Jody said, thinking, once again, that she might be evil. What about the new apartment. Did you look at it?We went by it. Its only a few doors down. We dont even have to cross the street.You think thats far enough? They wont find us there?Well, at least they wont find us here. I dont think anyones going to think that wed only move a few doors down. Theyll think weve at least left the City. What kind of idiot would only move a few doors away? Its brilliant.Plus an easy move, Jody said. You guys can do it without a truck.You guys?Well, Ive got to find William, and you cant exactly run around until the shedding has subsided. Abby, do you have enough makeup to cover his face and hands?Tons, Abby said. She held up her messenger bag. But I can only help for a little while. I have to get home.Why? Tommy asked. We require your services. He meant to sound sophisticated and European, but it came out sounding lecherous.He means moving, Jody said. Ive got his other services covered.I cant, Abby said. My sister has lice.So, Abby said, the countess is kind of a bitch.No, shes just a dark creature of unspeakable evil, Tommy said. He had the futon on his back and was making his way down the street as Abby followed him with a lamp in one hand and a blender in the other. In a nice way, he added thinking that maybe hed already made enough of an impression on Abby.Although it was early in the evening, and it was a little unknown to see a guy walking down the street carrying a futon, followed by a Goth girl carrying a lamp and a blender, it was just anomalous enough that people would have felt stupid if they asked what was goi ng on and someone pointed out it was modern dance, or performance art, or people robbing an apartment. San Francisco is a city of sophisticates, and except for a homeless guy who remarked on the tackiness of Tommys Pier 1 Imports decor, they had moved half of the furniture and clothing without comment.Do you need to feed? Abby asked when they got back to the old loft. They were standing in the living room, where there was little left except some bookcases and the three bronze statues.Huh? Tommy replied.Im guessing that you need to feed, Abby said, pulling her hoodie aside and offering up her neck. And I have to get going. I have to get to Walgreens and catch the bus home before the enate unit goes critical. Go ahead. Im ready.She closed her eyes and started breathing hard, as if bracing for the pain. Take me, Flood. Im ready.Really? Tommy said.Abby opened one eye. Well yeah.Youre sure? Tommy hadnt bitten another woman. He wasnt sure if it might not be cheating. What if the whole se x thing went off the way it did with Jody? That kind of activity would kill a normal human woman, plus, he was pretty sure that Jody would not approve. Maybe a little from the wrist, Tommy said.Abby opened her eyes and pulled up her sleeve. Of course, so you dont leave the mark of nosferatu. She said it with a hiss nasss sssss fer-a-too like she was speaking snake.Oh, it wont leave any marks, Tommy said. Youll heal up like instantly. He was starting to feel the hunger rise in him, he could feel his fangs pressing down from the roof of his mouth.Really?Oh yeah, Jody bit me almost every night before I changed over, and no one ever observe down at the store.The store?Oops. The ye olde porridge and leeches store, where I worked, in the ye old days.I thought you were a lord?Well, yeah, I mean, I owned the store, and some serfs, and scullery maids couldnt get enough of the scullery maids but I put in a shift now and then. You know, help to stir the porridge and inventory the leeche s. Serfs will steal you blind if you dont watch them. Well, enough business, lets get to that feeding.He took her wrist and pulled it to his mouth, then stopped. She was looking at him, one eyebrow sort of cocked in the air, and there was a silver ring in it, so it felt more incredulous than a normal eyebrow.He dropped her arm.You know, maybe you should get home before you get in trouble. I wouldnt want my minion on restriction.Abby looked hurt now. But, Lord Flood, have I offended you? Am I not deserving?You were looking at me like you thought I was fucking with you, Tommy said.Werent you?Well no. This is a two-way street, Abby. I cant ask for your loyalty if I dont give you trust in return. He couldnt debate the bullshit that was coming out of his mouth.Oh, okay then.Tomorrow night, Tommy said. Ill bleed you within an inch of your life, I promise. The things you never think youll hear yourself say.Abby rolled down her sleeve. Okay then. Will you be able to get the rest by yoursel f?Sure. Vampire powers. Duh. He laughed, waving at the heavy bronze statues like they were nothing.You know, Abby said, the man and the polo-neck are cool, but that woman statue, you should get rid of that. She looks kind of skanky.You think?Abby nodded. Yeah. Maybe theres some church or something that you could donate it to. Like, to show how you dont want your girlfriend to grow up. Oh, sorry, Lord Flood, I didnt mean to say church.No, Im okay, Tommy said. Ill walk you out.Thanks, Abby said.He followed her downstairs and held the door to the street, then at the last minute, as she was walking away, she turned and kissed him quickly on the cheek. I love you, Lord Flood, she whispered in his ear. Then she turned and ran up the sidewalk.Tommy felt himself blush. Dead as he was, he felt heat rise in his cheeks. He turned and trudged back up the steps, feeling the full weight of his four, maybe five hundred years of life. He needed to talk to Jody. How long could it take to find one d runk guy with a giant cat?He dug his cell phone out of his pocket and dialed the number of the phone hed given Jody. He could hear it ringing on the kitchen counter where she had left it.